2017: The Boy, The Life, and The Stories that Got Away

Almost everyone posted that this year has been 'a rollercoaster ride', yet they stated so last year, a few years back and maybe they will do it again next year.

To be honest, many times this year, I didn't think I could survive it. I thought of joining Club 27, just like that. So this post, I'm going to share a little about my life turbulence and revelations (who knows it would give you a few little tips) of how I see about life, job, dream, reality, and finally going to see a psychologist for help and even trying KonMari method for decluttering some shits in my life (and my bedroom).

When I was writing this post, I remember I read Sophia Bush once said in her interview with CosmoGirl a few years back regarding her divorce after three to six-month-old marriage, “Life throws a curveball at you and you go where it takes you.” The line actually has been in my memory ever since I read it and it sums up my life over these years quite well, not just 2017.

And when I turned 22, a friend congratulated me a usual ‘happy birthday’, but followed with an unusual line, “now that you’re 22, brace yourself, life will give you more pebbles to step on”. I took it as a curse.

She was right.

So here you go, my share about what had happened.

The Boy

If you have read or talked to me before, you'd know that I don't want to get married or that I'm being single yet so happy. So 2017 has changed a little. Oh no, I still don't consider to have a family. But things are surely shifting.

This was started by a guy I've been seeing (now not anymore). With me being tired with previous work and all that jazz, being with this guy gave me a little thing in mind: it is nice to have a partner, where you can have fun with and talk to. And yeah, it turned out I really miss to build romance. Never thought I would say this.

The reality is... he didn't see the same way I did. Maybe because I am 'different' from him. That could be his consideration or I'm simply not good enough. So that's why he and many other guys I've met are ... treating me like a piece of meat, can I say so? On the other hand, I never wanted to show bluntly that I was interested in him. I just showed that I cared and prioritized him---which he didn't see it or ... he forgot.

Well, with my detective skills due to cops/detective shows, I found out he didn't treat 'us' exclusive, as I found out he went out with many other girls too. This might seem so usual for a love story, right?

Yes, all of this was just because me being stupid.

So, I started out Tinder which I was quite thankful that we can search guys based on his age as I fond of much older guys (35-45 y.o). Even 35 I consider too young. Anyway, there I checked the app on and off. I got many likes, thanks to my photos. But none ever ended up well.

In fact, many of them are looking for sex (again, I'm a meat, eh?) for free, or they think I'm a prostitute, or whatsoever. I got stalkers too on Instagram, thanks to linking the account with my InstaPage.

The things about guys are whether they are looking for friends for benefits kind of relationship, they can't take me seriously, they're not being supportive of my ambitions, OR they feel insecure. Oh what the hell!

But this guy treated me more like a back up. I try to understand him. Maybe he doesn't want to lose 'a backup' and going transparent is a difficult thing. He probably doesn't want to do the dirty job on making it clear.

I'm hurt. That's it. Now again, I give up.

However, I learn something though. It's not Brigida Alexandra if I don't learn anything at all. (Ha!) Well, compared to Sansa Stark, I'm much more worse!

I think when something like this occurs, it's supposed to be us who takes action first. Learning that kind of guy will hurt, we shouldn't give him a chance. So even though I'm asking why and why he doesn't reciprocate the feeling, the effort, and all... I choose to stop blaming him (and definitely won't blame on other girls he went out with). I prefer to blame myself and make it as a lesson.

Well... we all need a lesson in life, right? That's okay, some people are destined to be lessons or blessings. But, I think being a lesson is also a blessing. Sipping more in life enriches us somehow. Bitterness heals us.

The Life

During one of my episodes (I got many panic episodes coming back-and-forth after the mid-year in 2017), I came to the conclusion that we DO always have a choice. It’s true. But it’s way more complicated than we think. You might have many options as possible, but in fact, you are put in the situation where the options you could take is only between choose the one you have to (not the one you’d like) and not to pick anything at all which means you stay in place, not moving forward.

2017 was the year that gave me lots of decisions to make. Big ones. That made me worried until my anxiety attacks paid me lots of visits.

On the other hand, I was fed up... with all disappointment on myself, the choices I've made and people around me---how they've treated me (read: how I just let them treat me like shits, exploiting and not give a damn to see myself as the same human as they are) and how they are changing sides (read: how they are easily shifting from disliking and black-campainging on someone to suddenly picking his/her sides in the name of business) and how they see my choices (read: their total lack of capability to simply listen, understand and open-minded and not fussing over my personal life).

I was fed up. Overworked, underappreciated and fighting alone.

Sailing the boat alone, that's how I felt for months in 2017. During those moments, I just didn't realize at first that I piled up shits people threw at me, and psychologically it changed me into someone who made a fuss on small stuff, got short-fuse very quickly, and turned out neglecting the most important things I should've considered.

Above all, it resulted in a 'new me' --- forgetting my own dreams to chase, ended me keep on blaming myself and everything (people and my incapability to fight). It funneled through me being depressed. There were nights I couldn't sleep without crying and asking why. Crying and blaming why I AM LIKE THIS---ugly, stupid and nothing. To sum up: useless human being.

You know I don't really have many people I trust to talk to. I can't get another angle. People that I know might just have got tired of me and my problems.

Family? I give up talking to them about my thing. They just don't understand my POV, choices that I made. Simply, I can discuss freely on many things without being told that I'm dumb, stupid or weird. Even when they're curious, they would ask in underestimating tone. Well, like Remy (Ratatouille movie) said, it's family, they don't have your ideals. It's not that I don't love them, it's just I need distance. So I'd rather not talk.

But the angle isn't always the problem. It's more to... when you have depression, you just need help.

It is sad that when you're in total darkness, people think you're just not grateful for your life. People start comparing my life and others, and why I still feel like a shit. They see depression as simply being sad, that it is easy to get rid of by not thinking about it. Oh you know... I wish! I wish!

I fear of what lies ahead, the political shake, the city is much more dangerous, economy is failing. I know too much, I know... and I'm always scared if I couldn't make it through coz I am all alone. No backup and support system. That sounds crazy that those things become triggers for panic attack. But the truth is.... with this condition, there is a thought where I wouldn't survive.

Entering this depression mode, I started to be more forgetful, easily get tired, I didn't want to go out (to see people or even to smile, to greet or to pick up some conversation lines), the feeling of wanting to be alone in my room locked up got even stronger, I was lost, and there's shifting behavior in line with all these.... and those came with crying all nights. Plus, I think of dying sooner and sooner, or just to end it myself. So, I actually made it to my first psychological help. And he stated that all those things I mentioned above were due to depression. Believe it or not, even though I couldn't be more open up in my first appointment, there was a revelation for me to start over and move on.

So this is what I also did. I decluttered everything in my room. You might not see it as something big, but actually, it would give you a big deal! Check this article, no joke. I kept many things in my room coz I feel like I 'throw away something nice' or 'forgetting important people (who gave the thing to me----which I care about) deliberately with the memory too'. Well, my room turned out consisting of expired makeup, old clothes I didn't wear for years (too small or too big), expired meds, snacks I never ate, and unused things and gadgets. Later, I sold an unused bluetooth keyboard online that I found, well first time! I tried KonMari which is working for me but, most importantly, I just need more space, like my own house.

Bookshelf relayout

That's for the non-living things. I decided to limit my network and interpersonal contacts. I don't reply, talk, or meet certain people I think would only give me pain and unnecessary annoyance. I need enhancing, challenging people, plus the ones that are supportive. It is important to be with people who see you as a human being, not their toy, subordinate or other... no matter they are disagreeing with you, but they won't bug or push you to be the same like them. Simple: respect.

Accepting that you can grow tired of being exploited (and it's different from being groomed or challenged!). That you may defend or throw an argument. That you deserve to be angry. That you crying isn't weak.

Plus, I don't like childish people. No... not the one who loves toys. Childish isn't a behavior where you still love toys even as adult. Not like that.

I learned that in life, I come first isn't always the same with selfishness. It depends on with whom you're dealing so they won't treat you second or less of a human than they are.

I know we say this all the time, but in 2017, I feel like I see quite enough to fully understand (with many more to come, I'm sure) that people change and pick sides beneficial for them. I see how people can easily regroup after speaking ill about them. Business speaks, man! Shocking and disappointing, but now I'm learning to laugh it all.

This is my life now. Struggling, yes... for the things I haven't made so far. Hopefully, I can make it.

The Stories

Dream and reality. To be honest, I missed my days in journalism work. I still want to be an investigative/war journalist... and I don't know if I might still have a chance when this is all over.

So many dreams, so little time. I've kept this story in my head for so long, yet not a single page I have done. I want to write it on my Wattpad since early 2017. Ha! What kind of writer am I?

Due to time constraint and my depression, I was (can I say 'I was'? Hopefully yes) forgetful, like seriously forgetful. So whenever I got ideas, they're just pfft...gone! I lost vocabs and forgot many terms. Even when I got the chance to write the ideas down, I sometimes don't recognise the writing and unable to understand what I waa trying to keep with that notes.

I want to write a book again. Can I have your support?

2017 is also the year where I hoard books the most. I read less than 10 books last year. The dullest phase in my life.

This should give me a reminder: